Deadbolt Woes (Tales of the Roommate)

(NOTE: Before reading this blog, please go into the archives and read the Tales of the Ironing Board saga – all 4 parts, mind)

I get up this morning – with no animals terrorizing me dreams, thank god, to find that my roommate, in a typically drunken and retarded haze, stumbled back home. He generally has issues with locking the door, usually just closing it and becoming frustrated with the complicated physics of lifting a hand, gripping a deadbolt switch and turning it…ugh! The agony.

So back to my point – I get up this morning to find he WAS sober enough to lock the door, but cancelled out his ‘sober’ with his ‘drunk’ by not FUCKING CLOSING IT.

Picture it this way: You have a deadbolt. You turn it. The bolt sticks out the side of the door, right? THEN you close it. Wait a minute! What’s this?!?! The door won’t close.


I wanna punch a hole through my monitor at work right now. HOLY CHRIST am I pissed.

Not only is the apartment EXCLUSIVELY populated with MY expensive and valued furniture, but anything of value to HIM is in HIS fucking ROOM – where he can LOCK his own door.

I’m far too incensed to write anything of a cohesive nature, but in an effort to display my most private details and communications – here’s the email I sent him…


I'd like to congratulate you on being sober enough to
lock the door last night...

...minor detail, should close it and
THEN lock it, not the opposite.

I woke up this morning to find the deadbolt locked,
but propping open the door instead of actually keeping
the apartment secure.

At least when you're too drunk to lock the door, it's
closed. Someone getting off the elevator can't tell
our apartment door is open. Unlike last night, where
you could see from the elevator that our door was

Even IF I had apartment insurance, I doubt "roommate
didn't lock door" is covered under ANY policy.

I shall purchase a self-locking deadbolt today and
install it. You will never again have to taint your
nightly drinking with thoughts as to my property and
its well being (as if that ever entered your mind
before). I will then be giving you the bill. If but
for YOU - the door would have been locked, so it only
seems fair that you pay for it. Just make sure you
don't leave your key inside or you're fucked.

I would also ask that you attempt in future, to
respect that you're not the only person who lives
there and that the apartment is filled with things of
monotary value to me (if not to you by proxy). If
someone walked (not broke in, mind you) and stole my
television, or my VCR or my DVD
player...whatever...what you would you say? "I don't
know how that happened?" "That wasn't my fault" "That
was the THIRD roommate?" Just like you didn't have
anything to do with the ironing board...

Drunkeness does not absolve you of responsibility,

And I suggest you get some help with what is clearly a
problem, increasing in magnitude - your 7 night a week

I'm REALLY fucking pissed - so if like usual, you're
going to pretend you're the victim here, please don't
worry. We won't be discussing this. I'm going to
replace the lock and install it, you're going to pay -
problem solved.

You're real fucking lucky you're not replacing my
television or any other piece of equipment. The way I
see it, you're getting off with a $50 lock purchase
instead of a $500 television replacement.




~ by seangstm on September 6, 2005.

One Response to “Deadbolt Woes (Tales of the Roommate)”

  1. Not sure what city you live in but can’t you evict your tenant for his bad behavior–excessive drinking, putting you and your belongings in danger due to not locking the door. If I were you, I would hope he gets wasted again and staggers into the apt w/o locking the door. You should document each and every time he fails to dead bolt the door or when he leaves it propped open, even take pictures and tape your conversation with him having him acknowledge that he did indeed fail to close the door properly prior to locking it thus leaving it open yet again. Don’t get mad at this guy, get him out and the best way to do it is to build a case against him in court. I’m pretty sure failure to lock the door and leaving it open on multiple occasions is just cause for evicting a tenant/roommate.

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