Orko, Oprah, The Katrina Publicity Machine and Espresso

Blogging has been slow of late because I have my KITTY HOME, YOU ASSHOLES! Read my friggin’ blog!!

Ah, just kidding.

Yes, I do indeed have Orko back where he belongs and the little guy is a complete and utter hand-full. Love him though and he’s very well behaved. He’s easily trained (I got him to use his sisal rope scratching post in about 24 hours), eats well, shits well, runs around like a little hummingbird, loves nibbling on my fingers (and is surprisingly adept at not hurting me unless I deserve it) and plays for hours on his own, only to finish and saunter over to try and squeeze in between my arms and my chest when I’m lying down on the couch. He’s adorable.

When I get my FARKING camera back from you-know-who-you-are, I’ll upload some pics. It’s rather difficult to take them with my webcam as he doesn’t really sit still like he used to. Having said that, he’s fascinated by my computer screen, especially if I’m typing or using the mouse erratically. He’ll just sit in front of the monitor and stare and paw. Awwwww…

Onto more annoying matters…RANT ON.

Everyone is aware of my dislike of deepak chOPRAH, but it hit an ALL TIME low yesterday as I watched – get this – the FIRST season premiere episode in her season premiere WEEK. Fuck off, first of all.

I hate this woman and her smug, name-dropping, taking-credit-for-other-people’s-generosity ASS. I realize this and I accept it. I do, however, like complaining – so I watch her show religiously. Well, not religiously – her mutual ass-kissing society episodes (celebrity interviews, celebrity cum make-over artist, celebrity ‘wildest-dreams’ ‘make-a-wish’ or any other such self serving bullshit she likes to populate her season with) make me so sick to my stomach, I generally turn over to ANYTHING else on the tube.

Back to my point – last night was her Season Premiere (screw Season Premiere week, you bitch) and she showed off her ‘new set’ – it’s basically the old set with a new background and light up floor that “changes colour, people…” Fuck off.

Now – a week and a half ago, Oprah was being lauded, left, right and center for her wonderful, caring, compassionate and timely coverage of the hurricane Katrina disaster. Fine.


I, for the record, am not concered about Jennifer Aniston’s well being. If Jennifer Aniston was…say, in a car accident that ripped her face off, I’d be concerned that the poor girl would likely become homeless as her career is entirely based on how she looks. She’s a horrid actress, so let’s face it – it ain’t based on that.

I am even LESS concerned about whether or not Jennifer Aniston is ‘okay’ or ‘doing well’ or ‘coping appropriately’ with a divorce. This shouldn’t concern ANYONE. If it does, you need to be shot and take a look around you and realize what is important in life – not just yours, but anyone’s.

As Jennifer Aniston and Oprah performed some of the most complicated, World Twister Champ worthy, Escher-esque, tandem and mutual ass-kissing, I sat there wondering – how much concern has Jennifer Aniston shown towards Katrina victims? A magnolia at an Awards show? A photo-op as she hugs a black child…?

Nope. I’ll give Jennifer Aniston this – she didn’t jump on the Katrina Positive Publicity campaign that many other celebrities did. She did, however, spit in the face of all those people by actually appearing on television to talk about her personal problems, clearly unaware that divorces happen everyday. Disgusting.

Oprah is even more disgusting because she willingly aired the drivel on national television. She actually likes to a) pretend she never did trash talk television and b) that she’s above it now. Seeing Jennifer Aniston talk about how much she cried when she and Brad Pitt broke up while there are bloated corpses floating through New Orleans is the trashiest thing I’ve seen in a while. Oh, and Oprah shoe-horning in a comment or two about how much her new snazzy studio ran her was the icing on this particular shit-cake.

Oprah, however, is all about setting new all time lows and the episode, you may note, was only half over.

If you tune to almost any local US channel, you’ll see campaigns from the Humane Society, the North Shore Animal League (in New York), etc about the influx of homeless animals they have received because of deaths and displacement in the aftermath of Katrina. They are BEGGING (not urging) people to adopt these perfectly acceptable and healthy animals (for the most part). They need good homes.

But wait…Oprah is back from commercial. She takes center stage on her Saturday Night Fever rip-off new discotheque floor. She smirks at the camera and begins barfing up more useless, uninteresting and unimporant information onto America…

“..you know, while on hiatus, Stedman and I had a serious talk. We talked things over. And we came to a really important decision…”

…of course, BLOAT-Oprah is referencing her oft publicized relationship with Steadman as America sits waiting – wondering, will they get married or won’t they. Frankly, the only thing I’m wondering is when Steadman is gonna get around to pulling a fucking OJ on his back-talking woman. Holy shit she needs a slap…but I digress.

Then she smiles, knowingly, at an audience of upper-middle class women in her studio that titter and applaud when the woman burps. A little laughter can be heard as we fade to her next segment about…

…Oprah getting a DOG! Yippeee!! She continually uses the term “addition to our family” so she’s relatable by pregnant women and mothers everywhere. The audience “Awwww’s” can be heard over the audio of the segment to the point that it drowns out the copy. The long and short of it is – Oprah, with more money than god, has decided to purchase two new puppies from a breeder in Southern California. The segment, running about 5 minutes, follows her and a more whipped than ever looking Steadman going to a breeder and buying these puppies. Oprah squeals with delight as she grabs one and kisses it. Turns out they take THREE, not two, dogs home with them. How lovely for this breeder that her business is booming and Oprah gives her a free ad.

Then we come back to the studio and, lo and behold, to get more audience approval for her empty life, she brings the puppies out with their ‘trainer’ (see, real caretaker). Oprah fawns over them and explains how she did an amazing thing by taking the third because it had an underbite. Wow, Oprah…I wish I could be as oblivious as you when I grow up. She took a dog with an underbite – what a hero.

Perhaps she could take this other dog – for FREE – that nearly choked on his master’s wedding ring when it had to eat his hand to FUCKING SURVIVE, you STUPID FUCKING BITCH.

I don’t want THAT dog, it looks like it floated in decay and feces for a week. D’oh! It did!

Then Oprah talks about how much she takes care of these dogs and gets up with them in the night – and then we get a video segment of this. We are actually expected to believe that Oprah got up in the night and a camera man sat outside, just waiting to get shots of her picking up her dog’s shit. Gimme a break.

It’s about as real as the night-vision shots on Survivor…

So this ‘dog segment’ runs a whopping 10 minutes and they go to a commercial.

When they return Oprah begins talking about her ‘Hermes’ incident. Her spin was interesting, if rehearsed and the magical appearance of the US manager (not the French one, mind you) in the middle of her yarn spinning was rather annoying. Oprah IMPLORED the audience to believe that the problem was this ONE woman. The manager claimed the woman didn’t know her. Oprah smiled slightly and looking at the audience. The two exchanged a mutual “Right on, girl…” and then she turned back, claiming that wasn’t the point…sure, Oprah.

Anyway, the bit of the segment that was missing was the part about how Oprah destroyed this woman’s livelihood by getting her fired. This won’t be reported anywhere, because I’m sure Hermes made the poor woman sign a release and confidentiality agreement and have her beholden to their legal department for life so as to not upset the mammoth wad of ASS that is Oprah. This segment lasts about five minutes and they go to commercial.

Oprah comes back on and talks (FINALLY) about Katrina – only the biggest news story in the US at the moment. In a nutshell (and lets be quick, coz this segment lasted about 3 minutes), Oprah is “personally pledging” 10 million dollars. Kudos to Oprah…and the audience agrees. They give her a standing ovation. She says again “personally pledging” – they clap louder. Again, she repeats “10 million dollars of MY money” and the audience is on the verge of tears. Good for you, Oprah. Good for you.

Then she turns and says, “Now…here’s what you can do, coz I know you don’t have 10 million dollars.” [Laugh]

Sorry, say again?

Her complete boobery and ass-munching obliviousness to tact rears it’s bloated face, once again.

In short, Oprah has created a KATRINA REGISTRY (it’s like a wedding, girls!) where you can buy a toaster…or a house and everything in between for Katrina victims.

Oprah’s Katrina Angel Network…what a saint she is.

Then we go to a commercial and get to see a preview of her next episode where she travels to, you guessed it, South Africa and gives some under privledged children the things they need…

…bitch ain’t set foot in New Orleans.

I applaud the registry myself, but if I can only afford to send a toaster – would I have a computer with internet access in my home? And couldn’t we have had more of this instead of 1/2 your show being devoted Jennifer Aniston’s insignificant and miniscule, self-imposed problems?

Again – a stellar, self-important and self-congratulatory episode of Oprah.

On a less important note – my roommate again has displayed his idiocy. A short one this time. I clean the kitchen. If I didn’t clean the kitchen, the only thing that would be washed would be his coffee mug. Also, the counter and kitchen floor would never be cleaned. A few months ago, my roommate got an espresso machine from an ex-boyfriend (who was clearly trying to get rid of it on the first cholo that came along). It now resides on our countertop.
One day, while cleaning the kitchen, I decided to put it away since it hadn’t been used since he got it. The next day, my roommate came out of his room at one point and goes, “Guy…my espresso machine?”
And I’m all, “Oh…I put it away because it wasn’t being used.”
“I DO use it.”
“Oh. Sorry, I’ll put it back.”
“Cool – I thought you sold it or something.”

First of all – sold it? Yeah, I’d sell your possessions. WTF?! Secondly, when I pulled it out from the cupboard, I noticed it had about an inch of dust on it. This proves TWO things…

1) He never uses it and
2) He never cleans it.

So why do we need it on the counter? To show that he has some sort of ‘stake’ in the kitchen, because like 99% of the rooms in my apartment, it’s populated exclusively by my possessions. Not, as he likes to pretend, because I DOMINATE the apartment, but simply because a) he has no stuff and b) what he DOES is GARBAGE. Like his WW Barbie doll in the living room…or his plants he doesn’t water (but I do)…


I put the espresso machine back on the counter, making sure to run a finger across the top, revealing the black as the friggin’ night colouring against the grey, dust layer. Wonder if he’ll a) use it, or b) clean it. Neither will happen and a month from now I shall return it to its home under the counter. When he brings it up, I will point out that the dust layer reveals how much he uses it.

He has no concept of putting things back, or respecting the space, or respecting ANYTHING outside of his room. He chronically leaves lights on – the kitchen and living room light are usually left on when he goes to bed. The bathroom light is always left on when he uses the bathroom in the middle of the night if I’m watching TV, making me get up to turn it off. His idea of cleaning the living room is wiping the coffee table and cleaning the kitchen is washing his mug and spoon.

Anyway, I’m done talking about him. He’s a douchebag. Not much I can do about it.



~ by seangstm on September 20, 2005.

One Response to “Orko, Oprah, The Katrina Publicity Machine and Espresso”

  1. Howard and Robin’s ingenius and completely, 100% correct comments this morning about last night’s Oprah debacle.


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