Tips for Retards – The Revival, Shitty TV Recap

Okay, so this is attempt #2 to write this blog entry. I actually created a BRILLIANT blog entry previously, but because Quicktime is created by monkeys, a movie I was playing in another tab decided to CRASH MY ENTIRE FIREFOX BROWSER.

I’ll try to recreate it as best I can, but seriously, I’m feeling entirely bummed out about the tragic turn of events.

It appears that someone (see: no one) is reading my blog, or more specifically, my Tips for Retards. I must emplore everyone that this is a valuable resource and should be taken seriously. If followed it would eliminate at least 2% of the retardation I experience every day. And c’mon – can that really be a bad thing?

Just this morning, in fact, I was entering an elevator at work and found the woman who entered before me had decided to park her boney ass two inches from the elevator buttons. After several attempts (1) to squeeze my manly, thick arms between her ‘body’ and the button console, I gave up. I turned to her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but other people have floors they need to get to also.”

She gave me some cut eye, but thankfully her cloud of retardation lifted momentarily as she sluggishly moved herself to the back corner of the elevator, looking dejected. I hit the 16th floor and notice the 18th is already lit.

Anxious to get away from me (how sweet), she immediately attempts to leave as the doors open. Realizing it’s not her floor, she re-enters the elevator, but gives NO ONE else room to leave. I pushed the skank out of my way and said “Thanks” as the doors closed on her fugly face. IDIOT.

As such, I have decided to revive my Tips for Retards and will update them accordingly.

Now, onto the scourge of the world, American Idol. Yes, it’s true – my shitty viewing habits are even worse than previously feared. Between this and the ill-fated (and never to be renewed) American Inventor, I think people are concerned I may become so stupid that I’ll actually think these people have even the slightest modicum of talent…

Last night’s episode (an elimination) was a shocker…but also, weirdly unsurprising.

Everyone thought that Katherine “I forgot my lyrics” McPhee would be cut. Oddly, she was not. Unsurprisingly, Chris Daughtry found out what we, and Constantine Mouroulis already know – Rockers cannot win on American Idol, just like girls cannot play baseball. What? That’s right. His look of shock at the hastily given announcement was priceless:

See ya, loser.

So, our final three are as follows:

Katherine McPhee

“I SWEAR, bitch, I’ll CUT you!”

Elliot Yamin

“Your suffering will be legendary… …even in hell.”

…and Taylor Hicks

Remember that scene in The Omen when Lee Remmick brought Damien to the London Zoo?

My vote goes to Taylor, but I think Elliot will win as long as he doesn’t open his “Big Book of British Smiles” mouth.


I don’t think Katherine will win just because she’s starting to crack under the ‘pressure.’ Its gonna be between Elliot and Taylor in the final.

Okay, enough of that garbage. To cleanse you, enjoy this montage of Paula Abdul high on pain killers pics…

Not TOO bi-polar there, Paula…

Moving on to my other mid-week shitty TV staple – America’s Next Top (Whiny Bitch) Model. As you are doubtless aware, the bitches are in Thailand again this week.


A few surprises (or not) in last night’s episode:

  • Joanie showed her first signs of bitchiness (no!)
  • Jade showed her first signs of being a nice person (but was still a bitch!)
  • Sara showed that she is still completely useless as a model (but somehow has remained in the game!)
  • Danielle tried to rid herself of her Southern drawl (by really doing nothing about it…?)
This episode was quite enjoyable but also immensely frustrating (kinda like being a heterosexual dress maker who has to deal with Tyra’s ever expanding ass). Thankfully, though, Tyra wasn’ t even in this episode for long – perhaps she’s undergoing aqua-therapy after her recent tragic announcement. Who knows.
Sara’s ongoing disinterest in modelling became the focus (through the lovely world of editing) and suddenly Joanie decided that this whore has to go because she “doesn’t have the passion for it.” Well, duh – none of you do, or you stupid idiots wouldn’t be doing a show called “America’s Next Top Model” – you’d already be a professional model. JEEZLY CROW!
That’s what annoys me most about this show – it’s like a bunch of chicks fighting on top of a train. A battle royale, if you will…after a long, arduous tourney, one stands tall and proud as the winner. Then the train enters a tunnel and the bitch’s head is cut off. You never hear from these ‘models’ again. Seriously, the only thing that features them is America’s Next Fucking Top Model in the following season. I’ve never seen a photo of this tool

…except on either a) ANTM or b) The Tyra Banks “Show”

These gals are in Thailand so they’re playing up their knowledge (or lack thereof) of Thai culture and tradition. One of the challenges this week was to go through Bangkok in a tuk-tuk (a taxi) to several ‘go-sees’ (don’t even fucking ask, it doesn’t matter).
The challenge ‘giver’ – some Thai woman whose grasp of the English language ws tenuous at best, told them they ‘had to remove [your] shoes’ whenever they entered a go-see. How many times did they remove their shoes? Danielle did it ONCE because the guy told her to and NO ONE else did. Was this brought up later? No. What was the point? You got me.
Jade was as cunty as ever, but also weirdly endearing. Fortunately, her completely idiotic comment about elephants being related to dinosaurs last week was unforgettable, so she’s done in my book. Also, her assetion (and Danielle’s, to be fair) that the open-air tuk-tuk was the reason behind her not being good at the go-sees was laughable. But not unheard of, since everyone else is responsible when Jade fucks up. When she’s (rarely) great though, it’s all down to her… đŸ˜¡
So…wait for it…

…Sara was the one eliminated – big surprise.

The final 3:




Yes…according to Tyra Banks, these are the 3 hottest girls in America right now.

Yes, I’m serious.

Moving on, Amazing Race was also on last night, but I hardly consider it ‘Shitty TV.’ I actually think its the one actually quality reality show. The one I laugh WITH the most and AT the least.


Those Frat Fags need to admit they wanna be bum buddies for chrissakes. Jesus – they’re annoying as fuck. As long as the Fratties don’t win it, I’ll be happy.

That’s all for now. I’ve now wasted 2.5 hours on this – writing it twice, remember? Take back that loser comment NOW!



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~ by seangstm on May 11, 2006.

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