Taylor Hicks is the winner of American Idol, denies Canada’s Next Top Model rumours…

Okay, so clearly we don’t yet know who is going to win American Idol, but I wanted my iron-clad, inescapable and non-negotiable prediction for ALL to see, even those jackasses who are too stupid to read my blog and just peruse the titles.
Last night’s second-to-last American Idol episode saw the top 2, Taylor Hicks and Katherine McPhee, go head-to-head in a tet-a-tet, mano-a-mano, face-to-face showdown. They performed three (3) songs each and, as usual, were critiqued immediately after each performance.
The first round had Katherine relying on her second performance of “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” (when she did it first, it was fun and irreverant, but this time, being our second dose in twice as many episodes, seemed hackneyed and gimmicky). It ended with a mediocre cheer from the audience (you have to take into account these people are coached to cheer for anyone up there, even Ryan Seacrest).
The judges all agree it was severely uneventful. They all feel the need, save Simon (who has some brains) to mention that she looks ‘fantastic’ – good, coz this is a beauty contest.
Then Taylor takes the stage, sorry the audience, clad in a purple velour blazer, belting out a Stevie Wonder song (sorry, I can’t recall the title). He owns the entire song and sachees his way through the adoring audience, ending up on stage for the final bits. The song ends and the audience absolutely explodes. They go on for about 20 seconds, with Randy having to shush everyone to get his oh-so-important commentary on record.
All three judges praise Taylor, with Simon saying that the first round goes to him and Randy proclaiming, “WE GOT A HOT ONE HERE!” Paula, on the other hand, has realized she no longer cares to hide her colour blindness and proclaims loudly that she and Taylor actually match…you be the judge:

“You snuck into my dressing room, didn’t you?! DIDN’T YOU?!!!?”

I don’t think her dress even HAS purple in it, but who am I?
The next round has Katherine AGAIN using a previous performance, singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” like she did TWO FRIGGIN’ EPISODES AGO. Ugh, this bitch is sinking fast in my book. She belts it out with her trademark precision and her trademark “Seated Start” and the crowd react with their trademark forced-insanity (as opposed to Paula’s ever-present insanity). Katherine, following the performance, immediately pats herself on the back for starting in the right key. I. Hate. This. Bitch.
The judges all agree it was great, but Randy points out that it was a little pitchy in parts (he should have this tattoo’d on his forehead, followed by “You did your thing, dawg” and “We got a HOT ONE HERE!”).
Then Taylor took the stage and sang some song I don’t remember (I think it was “Levon”). It wasn’t as engaging a performance as McPhailure. The judges all agree that it was a little boring, but that Taylor “does his thing” – wtf? Anyway…
The last performances of the evening showcase the Final 2’s new singles, which will be released sometime in…the… …future…? Katherine gets up and sings an appallingly bad and saccharine coated number, “My Destiny” – even the title is dripping in creamy, melted Velveeta. McPhuckup actually starts the song off well but like a train careening towards the bridge that is out a mile ahead on the track, she can’t help crashing and burning when she has to hit high notes. Her screeching eventually forces me to turn the TV down (seriously). The crowd goes insane, with a couple audience member’s heads actually exploding, methinks. The judges all pan the song (which, if you care to use your brain, was composed, written and chosen by the producers – one of whom is Simon Cowell) saying it was REALLY bad. They think she is better than the song and Simon goes so far as to emploring the voting audience to recollect her second performance, not this one, when casting their votes.
Taylor hits the stage singing his single, “Do I Make You Proud,” which, truth be told, is just as horrific as “My Destiny” but is bearable because of one thing – Taylor Hicks. He works his way through the song, injecting soul where there is none and emoting insipid and pointless lyrics. The irony is, both songs are structured pretty much like carbon copies of each other, but Taylor, in wowing the crowd despite a really bad song choice (thanks Simon), proves who the real performer is.
Frankly, if you’re a great performer – you can MAKE shitty songs great. You can also make songs your own…two things Katherine cannot, for the life of her, do.
The judges all told Taylor he was good, but Simon said it best, referring to his earlier comments about Taylor and Katherine being tied after Round Two, “assuming that I was right that the show was tied, then you just won American Idol.”

So, that’s it…Taylor is going to win. Look forward to seeing the Soul Patrol sprawled across some childmolester’s econoline van near you, very soon.

“I am the NEXT American Idol!”

Speak of “nexts” – Save Tyra Banks insane ramblings, I’m quite excited for our cheap, two-a-penny version of her magnum opus, “Canada’s NEXT Top Model.” I have capitalized NEXT because I feel like to refer to something as NEXT, like “Taylor Hicks, you’re the next American Idol” it is understood that something has preceeding your current subject. Any model worth her salt that was born in Canada throws off her national pride like a mink with a rope up its ass and its head beaten in ‘shedding’ its skin. Carol Alt and Linda Evangelista who?
Anyway, as with Canadian Idol, the half-wit, half-brother of American Idol, Canada’s Next Top Model is like that Ford your parents never moved off your lawn. Ugly, rusty and cheap – but you can’t avert your eyes because your front window is so small and covered in filth. As Canadian TV blows, this will be the summer replacement (coupled with Canadian Idol) that is forgotten by September 1. It will be fun while it lasts, though, if only for the fugly-ass bitches they parade around as being ‘models.’
Earlier today I checked their *cough* website and saw that, like ANTM (not America’s Next BEST FRIEND, as Jade said so ingeniusly), they have no shame in ruining the modicum of suspense the first couple episodes have by revealing the final 10 contestants. What’s that? 10? Doesn’t ANTM have 13? That’s right. Unlike America, we can only scrape together 10 ne’er do wells to unleash on the Canadian public. For the record, her inbred stupidity and inability of Jeane Becker to remember more than 10 commoner’s names is likely the reason.
As with any national spin-off (Die Muppet Show, anyone?) you have to have hold-overs, or in this case ‘reach-arounds,’ from the original. We get Jay. Not Miss Jay, thank faggot heaven, but just 50% Gay Jay Manuel – you know, the Tim Gunn of Top Model; the judge not cool enough to be in the elimination room, but just low enough to cavort with the 10 finalists as they trapse around Northern Quebec.
Everyone else on the panel is Canadian (see: totally and utterly unremarkable, memorable or in the slightest bit interesting). The most famous panelist to Canadians will be Jeanne Becker, longtime annoyance of fashion designers everywhere, the nosy, too-old-to-be-doing-this, roving reporter is ‘Lois Lane’ to Karl Lagerfeld’s ‘Superman.’

“Polyester is mein Kryptonite.”

So the judges are:

Jeanne Becker

“How fashionable am I?”
“Is that a serious question?”

Tricia Hefler, or Helfer (depending on what creepy fansite you visit)

“I was on Battlestar Galactica!”

“The 70’s one?”
“No…the remake.”
“Who cares?”

Stacey McKenzie

“Who am I?”

“I dunno bitch, but then again, you Neptunians all look alike to me.”

Jay Manuel

“How hot are my pec implants?”

“Not half as hot as airbrushing and photoshop.”

That Hefler, Helfer, Heifer girl is also the host, just as Tyra can juggle hosting and screaming at her contestants. I think there might be some other judge in a cowboy hat, but who cares about him.

The show should be loads of cheap, watered down fun…

…like Platinum Blonde was to Duran Duran.


Categories: , , ,


~ by seangstm on May 24, 2006.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: