Canada’s Next Mediocre Demi-Celebrity Contest

As promised, I managed to summon enough intelligence from the cosmos through a well-worn spellbook incantation last night which facilitated my up and coming ability to create screen captures from my telly. “How,” you say? “Never you mind, young one,” I say, “I am here to protect thee…”


“DAMIAN!!!”

Enough silliness – we have important work. A stupid recap of a stupider show that I love to watch and hate to love and watch to hate. Although before we begin, during the pre-commercial break of Canada’s Next Top “And you are…?” Model, ANOTHER of those annoyingly gay Carson Cressly (sp?) commercials came on….and when I saw it, I could only think of one thing…


Something tells me this homo isn’t only into this brand of Special K.
And seriously, the way they have 3 different ads, only discernable from each other by his annoying LAME ‘tip’ – “It’s simple…like no sandals after labour day!” or “It’s simple…like no spandex shorts!” Wow…THANKS for those. I was running around in November with my flip-flops on. What would I do without you, Carson? I hate people that make themselves important to others by pointing out seemingly important, but in effect pointless, information. Like Oprah “Let’s talk about oral sex parties” Winfrey. Or Dr. Phil “You’re fat coz you want to be fat!” Phil. Although I will admit this man has some power…for Americans to actually buy a weight loss book written by a man who ADMITS he’s in horrid shape…Jesus. I need to replenish my snake oil supply.
AnyHOW onto Canada’s Next Top Model. Let’s recap what’s happened previous to Episode 4, which aired last night.

Some annoying, vapid bitches were eliminated. Period. So far we’re right on par with America’s Next Top Model. The first one (far left) was eliminated because she had too much attitude. She also struck me as slightly lesbionic (not that there’s anything wrong with that) so she of course, had to leave. The second girl eliminated was, sadly, my early favourite from Episode 1. She got booted for her nervousness and akwardness on the photoshoot. Boo. The third girl (far right) eliminated was axed because, as far as I could tell, a spider bit her. Seriously…they spent so much time on her god damned stupid spider bite that the entire remainder of the episode seemed secondary.

Now onto the main event…

Last night’s episode began, as usual, with the girls reading a letter from the previously eliminated contestant. Funnily enough, I used to think the notes were sincere, off-the-cuff, spur-of-the-moment displays of actual human emotion, not planned out and practically written by the producers…sadly, not the case.
After that short interlude of contrived spontaneity, we get some bitching from Ylenia about her ‘hips’ (which as yet, we have not seen…) and her ‘weight’ since the resident ‘fatty’ got eliminated last week. Puh-leez. Then we get to listen to Sisi (who is battling Brandi for the “bitch” role this season) complain about her cold and how her body aches. I have an idea – eat something so we don’t have to listen to your constantly spewing whinge-hole.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some random guy runs into the house and starts blowing on a fog-horn, shouting, “Get up! Get up!”


“Where the white women at?!”

Apparently, the girls are going to go through a rigorous training exercise this morning. Unfortunately, one of them is having trouble getting up – Heather. Why do we care? I dunno. Seriously, Heather is so completely non-descript and uneventful, this is the ONLY thing they could find to focus on for this week…her inability to get out of bed. DRAMA.

“That’s funny, I don’t remember a wet spot there when I went to bed…”

So finally after a few nailbiting seconds, Heather manages to make it downstairs. Thank christ, I was worried we’d have to have a medi-vac fly her out of her bed like that 1500 lb. guy on Geraldo.
With everyone downstairs, the trainer starts his schpeil…he says, “Good morning, girls. My name is Harley (insert random last name here – as if anyone cares what comes after HARLEY…) I’m a trainer to the stars. I got that rich-bitch Halle Berry into shape for Catwoman (what a fucking claim to fame) and some other celebrities who you prolly don’t know coz frankly, they’re just homeless people we drugged up, pulled off the street and placed on treadmills to fill my quota.” He goes on to say, “Today we’ll be doing a Five Factor Workout.” Wait a minute – I bet you have a book that explains everything. Do you?

“Why yes, I do!”

The girls all started working out, with an obvious focus on Ylenia because, as noted, somebody has to fill the ‘fatty’ character profile or we simply don’t have reality; someone might DARE to call the show fake or shallow if we didn’t allow bigger girls to get in on the action. As everyone knows, however, the ‘fat’ girls never win because…fuck that action, yo.
Sisi began getting more and more ‘sick’ and just up and left the workout room. This of course, pissed on Tenika because she feels, rightly so, that Sisi is a histrionic drama-queen who hates every other girl in the house. I like Tenika (her blog is crap, but I doubt the girls even write it themselves – it HAS to be edited coz no way 10 MODELS can spell that well, and that’s just a fact). She struck me as a bitch the first two episodes, but she came into her own on this one for sure.

“Why black people smell so bad? Why they have be like that?”

The other girls were pretty boring – Ylenia kept talking about how she had to work harder than everyone else because of her ‘size’ (I think she’s MAYBE a size 1, I swear). Brandi, of course, had to get in on the bitchiness, so they edited in comments of her talking about how great she is.


Where pom-pom socks went to die in the mass exodus of December 31, 1989.

Sisi went back to her room to lie down while the other girls continued working hard. Afterwards, Tenika couldn’t resist some momentary Sisi bashing which was quite enjoyable – throwing her hand dramatically to her head complaining about how sick she was. In her interview, she cleverly surmised that Sisi’s comments the night before about how “lazy she is” and how she “hates working out” might be the REAL reason behind her sudden inability to deal with her ‘illness.’ Columbo just MIGHT be out of a job if this girl ever escapes the hell-hole that is this show.
Meanwhile, in another part of the house, Brandi walked down the hall to her room. She let out a bloodcurdling scream!


“No you di’int!”


EVICTED!

So began the exhausting search for their new bedroom. Wait…where is it? Oh…across the hall. Fine. Then so began the exhaustive chore of packing and moving…wait…what? 5 minutes, you say? ARGH.
The new bedroom search was actually pretty funny as Tenika, the other evicted roommate, decided to NOT room with Brandi. Sisi, being the analytical genius she is, decided this must mean Tenika HATES Brandi – the possibility that Tenika loathes Sisi’s boney ass never crossed her mind, I guess. True to form, the show is two steps behind the audience as we get a quick comment from Tenika talking about she didn’t room with Brandi for one reason – Sisi. She didn’t want to be in a room with Sisi since an angry black woman was BOILING beneath her calm and cool exterior (thankfully, it looks like the next episode sees her totally explode…sweet…but more on that next week…perhaps with video..?). Brandi, as usual, was oblivious to everything and began moaning about how she didn’t to sleep on Natalie “The-tubby-spider-bite-victim”‘s sheets. Sisi, also as usual, needs to contemptuously comment on this. Yawn.
Then the girls get taken out to the woods by Harley, who has some plan abrewing. He takes them to a very tall staircase randomly placed in the middle of the woods. They began climbing, climbing, climbing and huffing, huffing, huffing until they reached the top. What awaited them, you ask? A scale. Why, you ask? So Harley could explain that he is considered clinicly obese, despite the fact that he has 5% body fat because muscle weighs more than fat. He then proceeds to smash the ever-lovin’-shit out of the scale with a sledgehammer in some misguided attempt to distract the audience from the completely shallow nature of this show and its judging standards.
Brandi won the challenge (of running up stairs) and the prize was – a night out on the town with her fellow contestants. The point? Nothing. What did she really win? Sweet fuck all.
The girls return home for some Tricia-Mail (not to be confused with Tyra-Mail), presented on a portable DVD player. Sadly, the sound guys on this show are asleep at the wheel and we can barely make out what Tricia is saying. Of course, they don’t provide us subtitles for this – they only do it when people with English accents are speaking(!).
They started to get ready to go out and stuffed themselves into their lovely SUV and headed to downtown (Vancouver, presumably). They arrived at some unnamed club and were immediately stopped at the door for their ID. Andrea, being the most intelligent girl in the competition, informed us that she was “all, like…you don’t know who we are? We’re totally celebrities.” Sure.

I see three things missing from this picture: Pop, Chips & Parents.

The night was fairly boring considering this is a bunch of 20-somethings with loads of alcohol and the contact-high of being on a reality series. We learned that Brandi likes penises. How intriguing…so you’re…what? Heterosexual? Shut the fuck up.
The next day, the girls get ready and are carted off to the weekly photoshoot. They arrive and we find out that they’ll be modelling lingerie. Of course, this puts Ylenia into a tizzy because she’s self-concious about her body. Fair enough. The girls, one by one, enter the shoot room and find a hot man sitting on the bed. Wait…he looks familiar…


It’s the doorman!

The point?

Absolutely NOTHING.

The girls came in, one by one, and each had their way with the model. No one really stood out during the photoshoot process so overall, nothing too exciting. One thing struck me, however, when Andrea entered the room and removed her housecoat. Remember that scene in Silence of the Lambs when Buffalo Bill is dancing with make up on in front of the video camera and stands back, removes his housecoat to reveal a peni pinched between his thighs, imitating a va-jay-jay.

Once you’ve sufficiently recovered, please continue reading:

The photoshoot consisted of two set-ups. The second one was TOPLESS. Shocking. Especially after they ragged out Tenika for not having a shirt on for a split second while CHANGING in Episode 1. Puh-leez. Ylenia was freaking out and didn’t want to do it, but in the end bit the bullet and revealed her miniscule ta-tas.
The girls then entered the judgement chamber. Dah-dah-DUM! Just to remind everyone, here are your judges…


Paul Venoit – stylist, the ‘gay‘ factor


Jeanne Becker – journalist, the ‘psycho‘ factor


Stacy McKenzie – model, the ‘you’re fucking kidding me, right?‘ factor

The guest judge this week was the personal trainer, Harley. ’nuff said.

The impromptu challenge had the girls choosing clothes off a rack of many outfits and then modelling for the judges…nothing exciting, again, except for Andrea, who is really just fucking CREEPY. I find her immensely stupid and uninteresting, but also strangely fascinating like seeing an emaciated monkey.

“Help me…”

Here are the pics:


Sisi


Brandi


Andrea


Ylenia


Heather


Tenika


Alana

I personally liked Ylenia’s the best, despite her modesty. Andrea’s were creepy as fuck, as per usual. Brandi’s looked like a porn cover, while Alana’s looked like she had her brain removed before-hand – TOTALLY vacant.

Tricia started calling names and pulling pictures and in the end, we were left with Heather and Alana. Heather was told she was just akward and lacked creativity in her poses. Alana, though, began bawling when Tricia started ragging on her acne…which I didn’t even notice until they pointed it out.

In the end, they gave Alana another chance to pick up some Clearasil at the local PharmaPlus and sent Heather packing. When it finally sunk in, she seemed unphased, perhaps even happy that she could finally get back to capping toothpaste tubes at her local Colgate factory in Blenheim, ON.

Till next time!

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~ by seangstm on June 22, 2006.

2 Responses to “Canada’s Next Mediocre Demi-Celebrity Contest”

  1. Va-jay-jay?!
    Who says that? It’s MANGINA.

  2. Congrats on the move! I heard you’re in the same building as my brother..
    that last sentence might have sounded weird if you M. didn’t update you on that.

    Canada’s Next Top Model is like a bad accident, you can’t stop watching.
    I find that the girls are not all that pretty and even down to the quality of the photographs ( camera nerd that I am )are mediocre at best.

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