The Homeless Man

I was walking to work this morning and I decided to take a ‘back-alley tour’ like I sometimes do. A “B.A.T.” involves taking the most direct, yet least public route to work possible. Frankly, I walk to work every single god damned day of my life, so you gotta change it up or you go insane…or have I? Indeed.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, I was walking down the back alley beside Five, a popular (not with me) gay nightclub in Toronto (which, upon some slight research has no website – bad form, old man!). There’s nothing particularly noteworthy about the back alley aside from its absolutely pristine appearance; a standard which is undoubtedly near impossible to maintain with all the transients and vagrants populating our fair city.
As I strolled down the alley, one such vagrant approached me. He was the most annoying kind of vagrant: one with better shoes than me. Homeless people who dress better than me need a punch in the face, ESPECIALLY when they have the GALL to inquire about me increasing their financial stability while they vacation on the streets of Toronto. To them I give a loud “FUCK YOU!”
This dude is walking towards me and I’m listening to my iPod which is playing Howard Stern’s show from June 19, 2006 which is sadly, George Takei free (I’m counting the days until his return in September). As he gets closer, the guy looks me over, starts staring and then gives me the “take your headphones off so I can mooch” hand signal which is known to every single person in Toronto who goes out in public with headphones on.
I pull one side out, exposing one ear and he says to me,

“Hi sir…can you help me? I’ve been walking around for hours and I’m not one of those Cracker Jacks…”

…at this point, I put the headphone back in and gave the most dismissive “Sorry, no change” I’ve ever been able to muster.
Seriously, if you’re gonna use the term ‘Cracker Jack’ to not only disparage the good, not-hard-working homeless in this city while at the same time using it to somehow add creedence to your request for MONEY from me while you stand there in $200 shoes.


Anyone who doesn’t have a job and can take any day off that they’d like (from doing NOTHING) needs my foot firmly planted up their well cushioned, unemployed, mooching ass.

Good day.

I said, “Good day,” sir!



~ by seangstm on June 29, 2006.

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