Project AssClownery 3.2

Well, well, well, it was that time of the week again – time for my regular dose of Project Runway, hosted by Heidi Klum. Since she’s married to Seal, I guess there’s no last name to take, huh? The DMV will be so pleased.
A load of melodrama was associated (potentially) with this second episode from pretty much last Thursday onward, with reports circling the internet buzz-circle about one designer who plagiarized their work for their audition. The designer was revealed and he even responded, which makes me wonder what kind of contracts these people sign since clearly spoiling (possibly) this episode didn’t much matter to anyone – even the great Tim Gunn.
Having said all that, I read the articles and I know the person in question. I won’t, however, spoil it for anyone reading this who hasn’t seen the episode because that kind of evil is better left to every other post I write…on with the show…
As we know, Keith won the last challenge and obtained himself some immuni-tay for this week. Considering I HATED what he designed, this week can only be a downward slide in mediocrity. Speaking of Keith, let me remind you of our running ticker, tallying how many catchphrases Tim Gunn utters throughout this season and how many times Keith M. mentions he designs “Menswear.” Check the end of this recap for this episodes figures to be added.

Keith M. “Menswear” count = 2
Tim G. “Make it work” count = 2
Tim G. “I’m concerned” count = 0

Keith M. started off the assclownery this week, stating that he didn’t ‘care about immunity’ because ‘[he] knows [he’ll] be able to do well with every challenge.’ Yawn-a-rific. Malan, our resident ‘potato-in-the-mouth-talker,’ tells us he likes all the other desingers and is happy to be there. Interesting, considering last week he pretty much called them all troglodytes for the brutal manner in which they destroyed the apartments to get fabrics for the challenge.

Heidi trots out onto the runway with her magic bag of tricks, but what’s this? I guess Heidi is promoting the Man of Steel’s return to the big screen in her own way, by dressing as Ursa in Superman II.

Separated at birth, no doubt.

She tells the designers that instead of the models being assigned to them this week, they’ll be able to pick them. AH! That’s what the bag is for. Since Keith won the last challenge, he gets to pick first – which he does, choosing Nazrene (sp), his model from the first challenge. Good choice, my friend. Heidi begins picking buttons out of the bag and the designers each choose a model. Who chose who isn’t really important; the models are all good and if the designers lose, it won’t be down to the model.
Ms. Klum then tells them that this week’s challenge will see them designing for an American beauty icon. You know what THAT means! MISS FRIGGIN’ AMERICA! I’m sure the people in the Bible belt (see: the only people who are in the slightest bit still enamoured with beauty contests) will enjoy this challenge! Miss America is there, but they call her Miss USA – are those two different entities? Frankly, after Jean-Bonet, they all look the same too me.


Kryptonian Prom – and I think we know who
knelt before Zod, know what I’m saying??

Miss USA goes on to tell the designers that she’ll be competing in the Miss Universe competition this year and their challenge is to design her gown for the Evening Gown competition. FUN! To be honest, this is the highest profile challenge ever on Project Runway – a BILLION people don’t go to fucking Fashion Week, let me tell ya. Very cool.
After changing into human clothes, Miss USA and Tim Gunn head over to the workroom to speak to the designers about what her likes, dislikes, needs and desires in a dress are. First of all, she tells them that she’s the second shortest girl in the pageant. Weirdly, she’s less than 5 inches shorter than Tim Gunn…how tall is this homo? A gown that makes her look taller in earth tones or monochromatic tones is what she asks for and tells them to stay away from white and a plunging neckline because apparently, the world can’t stop looking at her boobs. Sorry, don’t do short chicks! Them Tim drops the bombshell – they’ll be partnered with another designer for this project. NIIIIICE! I must say, the most drama on Project Runway and even Project Catwalk came from the group or partner assignments. Its all fun and games until people get on the runway and then their partners and co-members throw them under the bus faster than you can say ‘There’s no “I” in TEAM.’ Tim gave the designers a half hour to come up with sketches, at which point they would present them to Miss USA and she would pick the seven best. The seven designers that aren’t picked will be paired with the seven picked designers. So we’re gonna get a LOAD of good designers paired with shitty ones. FanTASTIC!
They set to work feverishly and Jeffrey lets loose a Jean-Bonet reference! Beat you to it, FUCKO! Get that shit removed frmo your neck, too, asshole. Angela was all over Kayne like a rash, giving him pointers and crap because she wanted to be partnered with him (knowing she blows at construction) – not TOO obvious. Other designers noticed her desperate attempts, too. And entering on Stage Left is Tim Gunn, who tells the designers that their time is now up and let the pitching begin. Frankly, I surmise that Tim Gunn is more of an afficiando of catching, but only time will tell. He did date Andre from Season 2 momentarily, on the other hand.


“I didn’t realize they’d be so soft…”

The designers started pitching, which we’ve all seen before, big talk with some semi-interesting sketches. Keith took it upon himself to feel up Miss USA, clearly thinking that if he does get picked, at least he felt a boob at some point in his life. He started talking about how he had to see her legs, but in the creepiest way possible. Miss USA looked genuine frightened. Vincent, on the other hand, sat down and told her that he sketches ‘very loosely’ – in other words, there were a total of 6 lines on his page. His strategy was to just give her his impression of the reaction to the dress which was, “Oh…god.” Good work. A few other designers came and went without incident and then it was Angela’s turn. She sits down and tells Miss USA that ‘[she doen’t] sketch,’ which is really a fancy way of saying, ‘I want to be horrid so you don’t pick me.’ Angela then tells her that she’s just going to ask a couple questions – both questions they showed were pretty telling as far as Angela’s effort level: What do you think of an umpire waist? (Ugh) What do you think of gloves to the mid-upper arm? (WTF show did you audition for, bitch?!) Those two elements will certainly lead to a classy look.

Then we cut to the workroom and Miss USA reveals her decisions:

Keith, Uli, Vincent (huh?), Laura, Malan, Jeffrey and lastly Kayne were all chosen for their designs. A couple interesting points I noted when viewing their sketches – Laura’s looks very much like a retread of her coat from last week, at least on paper. Not the fur necessarily, but the gradient of sparkles were the exact same. Tim Gunn thanked her and she then left.


“This was supposed to be my happy outfit…”

The names of the designers were to be randomly chosen from the velvet bag, at which point they would choose their partner themselves. NICE! I sense some drama. A couple of the designers were really worried because they prefer working alone, clearly forgetting the entire point of every challenge is to facilitate breakdowns and hissy fits. Like, c’mon people.

After the break, Tim pulled out the first name: Laura. She picked Michael. Good choice. Kayne was the next name chosen and without hesitation, he chose Robert, saying he ‘probably would have chosen Angela had she not bothered [him].’ BURN! Jeffrey came out of the velvet bag next and he chose Alison. Katherine was chosen by Malan, who Tim G. pulled out next. Uli chose Bonnie, who smiled every so slightly when she was picked. Keith set his sights on Bradley which meant, you guessed it, the original Desperate Housewife, Angela, was last. So Angela and Vincent, who were both hoping for something better, were paired under silent protest. Heehee! Vincent, trying to be the gentleman, said, “I’m happy to work with Alison.” Too bad your partner is Angela, you fuckwad. Oh, the assclownery.

Tim then broke it down and told them that a) they have two days and b) they have a $300 budget. With that, they skipped all the way to Mood, the fabrice store. Deciding to entirely disregard the ‘earth tone’ mandate, Kayne pulled the purplest organza out of the bolt selections. Interesting.


“One moment, please – my emotion chip is malfunctioning.”

Angela and Vincent’s unavoidable fireworks started immediately, with her annoyingly reminding him of their remaining time at every opportunity. He asked her to stop but she’s an idiot or something coz she kept right on doin’ it. Doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’t it…right. Not time for these antics, however, as TIm Gunn declares – TIME IS UP!

Later, back at the workroom, the designers started on their evening gowns. Robert and Kayne immediately got on the homo a-train, making each other laugh. Laura, who I’m liking more and more, said she chose Michael because he would question her work. Some of the other designers, like Bonnie, were more concerned with how many people would be eliminated this week – one or two, since they were working in pairs. We shall see, won’t we? Bonnie also said she was wanting to see people fight: cut to Angela and Vincent, who’s working relationship on this project was interesting to say the least. He seemed to be working and Angela seemed to be watching, continuously asking if there was anything she could do.


Project Cherry-Picker

In Angela’s defense, she noticed everyone else was working together but Vincent seemed convinced that shutting her out of working on it was the best strategy…? As a result, she decided to go to the chill out room. Conventiently, this was at the precise moment that Vincent needed her and called out “Angela?” to a deafening silence. D’OH!
Keith then presented an interesting point: that Bradley was under the impression Keith wouldn’t care about this assignment because he had immunity and leave Bradley swinging in the wind, ripe for elimination. Keith assuaded our fears and said this wasn’t the case…or was it?
We were then given some unexpected insight into pretentious twat Malan’s personal life as he recounted a story of a time his mother looked at a bunch of sketches he did and threw them away, saying they were worthless. In other words, this here is a man out for revenge on his mother, a man ready to prove that old skankasaurus wrong. EXCELLENT.
Back to Angela and Vincent’s soap opera, in which Angela had decided to take a more active role whether Vincent liked it or not (this is gonna look GREAT on the runway, btw; the thing they always say about people who disagree with the group leader is to make your opinion known, don’t sit and say nothing – good for Angela). She brought up that she created a very smiliar dress in college, implying it was sophomoric in its execution and design. Vincent, though, was having NONE of it and told her to shut up in twice as many words. At one point he actually told her she ‘had to move three feet away from [him]’ because he was the team leader and the entire thing was ‘[his] call.’ Excuse me? This dude is so getting eliminated, I don’t care if he ends up creating Princess Di’s wedding dress again. Angela provides him with a compromise, saying, ‘I’ll move back one and a half feet and you move forward one and a half feet.’ Did I hear that right? Is this highschool, or what?!


If the apple-tossing tree from
The Wizard of Oz was invited to the Oscars

Back from commercial, Tim enters with a very subdued, “Hi everybody…” as his eye crosses the room. Uli and Bonnie’s dress was first up and Tim said he ‘loved [their] concept’ but that the details and finishing needed to be ‘perfect.’ And then he said “Carry on.” Phew! I was worried we wouldn’t have ANY in catchphrases in this episode! Unfortunately, I’m not tallying “Carry on” coz the fucker says it when he takes a shit in the morning, then he buttons up his pants and when he sips on warm chardonnay. Kayne and Robert’s dress met with his 70% approval, but he did say he hated the poofy bit at the bottom. Then came Angela and Vincent’s turn – Tim’s first impression was ‘disappointment’ and he asked Angela what she thought. Unsurprisingly, she completely denied any part in the design or creation, saying ‘[she] wouldn’t want [her] name associated with it.’ BURN! Vincent, for some weird reason, was offended by this – yet somehow justifies shutting her out from any creative decisions. Malan and Katherine were next and Tim again was unmoved, stating it ‘[looked] like [it had] been carved out of a log.’
Tim’s comments about the rest of the groups were obviously unimportant/uninteresting/long winded because we immediately cut to the chill out room. Angela and Keith are having a conflab about her working with Vincent. Keith points out that they seem to be working badly together and Angela, obviously on some kind of over-the-counter narcotic, says, ‘I feel like we’re relating, like…well.’ Huh? Keith disagrees and then Angela comes out with a great piece of bitchery: “I don’t value your opinion in this situation so you’re wrong.’ ROFLMAO!! Nice! Angela then qualified her comments, saying that Vincent laid down the way things would go – him: designer, her: Gautamalan child in labour camp.


The real reason that Kayne was fired from Cher’s last tour.

Malan and Katherine’s woes about their dress continued, with Katherine saying she thought ‘there [was] just too much material.’ She also brought the bodice to Malan’s attention since it looks like someone sprayed a large feces filled hose at it. He insisted it was exactly what he wanted so she basically told him that if it came up on the runway, he would have to defend it, not her. Fair enough.
Kayne and Robert fought over how many rhinestones should be used, with Kayne saying pretty much if they bought them, they should use them; Robert, however, insisted she was ‘a beauty queen not a disco ball.’
Back to Angela and Vincent’s debacle of a dress. Angela was trying to give Vincent some pointers on what NOT to say on the runway, but Vincent, after her supposed ‘betrayal’ shut her down immediately, saying that since she wanted to remove herself from the dress, he wouldn’t need her advice on how to defend it and likewise, when the dress won, he wouldn’t need her to join him in the kudos. You hear the dirt hitting the ground as this assclown digs his own grave. Then he said it, ‘I’m team leader’ to which Angela gave him an icy stare.
Need I remind you, this dude was Red Leader:

Remember him destroying the Death Star? I don’t. Remember him from the sequels? No. Why? Coz he’s DEAD, you retard.

Back at 16E, Angela spoke to Laura and Alison about Vincent. Laura told her that ‘[she’d] seen him defend crap on the runway before.’ Like last week, you mean…seeing as this is episode TWO. Angela assured them both that she would fight tooth and nail to not be eliminated.
Over at 28F, the boys had their own bitch session, with Keith saying Angela was ‘transparent as a fucking glass window.’ Vincent insisted, but seemed unworried, about Angela knifing him in the back. Jeffrey then poked both his heads in and said he had ‘one word for [them]: feminazi.’ I have a word: clothes! A second word, even: NOW!!


“Uh..hey, were you guys looking for me?”

It was onto the day of the runway show. The designers fitted their models but there were a couple snags. Malan and Katherine’s dress was too short! The horror! Katherine whined that she ‘[didn’t] want to go home when it’s not [her] design.’ Shouldn’t you have said something resembling this sort of outrage DURING the design process. Her reactions were all very laid back and ‘oh well, gee, Davey’ sort of shit, so where is this coming from I ask you!
Angela and Vincent were at it again, with him asking her how long they had. She insisted they had until 12:15, when in reality, someone shouted across the room, they had until 12:30. First of all, what’s the big deal – her time means you’ll be done faster. But oh no, Vincent goes OFF on her and insists she didn’t help a bit with the dress (but neglects to mention he refused to let her) and that she was a cop out. Angela just stood there, dumbfounded. I have to side with Angela based on the evidence presented, since he refused to let her do anything with his design. Period! If I’m working with someone and they tell me in no uncertain terms to do NOTHING and I do NOTHING and then they decide to rag on me for doing NOTHING – they would be intestine-less in under 12 seconds.
The runway show began, but not before Heidi came out to greet the designers. She also introduced the judges, Nina Garcia, Miss USA (who’s name means nothing to me, so I didn’t even listen to it once) and designer Vera Wang, who was pinch hitting for Michael Kors. This could get interesting with her on the panel, I must say.


Thankfully, Heidi changed.

The runway show commenced…


Jeffrey & Alison

Jeffrey, to his credit, said he wanted it to be ‘beautiful and grotesque’ so I guess he got his wish. The longer I look at it, the more I can see what he meant. Alison said ‘the end result wasn’t exactly what [she] thought it would be.’


Keith & Bradley

Keith said the dressed turned out exactly as he’d pitched it. Bradley said he wasn’t ‘worried about being eliminated’ and that ‘it turned out very, very nice.’


Vincent & Angela

Vincent said he was happy with it and that it got his point across. Angela said he was ‘difficult to work with’ and that it ‘was Vincent’s dress, not Vincent and Angela’s dress.’


Kayne & Robert

Kayne said the dress was unlike any other he’d ever seen at a pageant (is that a good thing?). Robert felt like the dress really ‘delivered.’


Malan & Katherine

Malan said he put ‘[his] best food forward’ while Katherine said ‘[she] wasn’t happy with it at all.’ Where the fuck did this come from? Seriously, she might be going home, too, since she said nothing so earthshattering while they were making it. I personally think its a monstrosity, but that wasn’t a ‘new’ development – she saw it on paper beforehand, yunno?


Uli & Bonnie

Uli said it was ‘really modern’ and Bonnie thought ‘it was really eye catching and beautiful.’ Its pink over brown – ’nuff said. Neopolitan Ice Cream, anyone?


Laura & Michael

Laura said ‘it [was] very different. The silhouette [was] much simpler’ and ‘[she’s] very proud of the dress.’ Michael said ‘it [was] gorgeous if I do say so myself.’ I think its the best dress by far, but this is a pageant dress assignment – it’s very anti-pageanty and would become wallflower-ish against some other pageant get-ups, in my opinion.

Then came the judgement. The designers lined up on the runway and it began. The mid-range teams eliminated were Laura & Michael, Keith & Bradley and Jeffrey & Alison. That left four teams with the highest or lowest scores. Heidi announced that one person would be named the winner and one person would be going home. Interesting…
Uli & Bonnie were up first for commentary – Miss USA thought it looked beautiful and Heidi loved the back. Vera said ‘[she thought] it [was] a very modern dress and [loved] the colour.’ So much for my eyes…
Kayne & Robert were next – Miss USA said she loves a sweatheart top, which they used. Nina said she was happy that they took the initiative to choose colour, presumably she meant instead of an earth tone. Robert then piped in and said he had reservations about it being too over the top, but was convinced by Kayne’s vision. Oh! Butt pirates tonight, me mateys!
Malan & Katherine were then put up and Vera said the rouching was a little too much for one dress, while Heidi said she liked it, but there was something ‘not quite right’ about it. Then Nina laid the smack down with “What’s going on here?” Malan went into an explanation about how he made the bust bigger with fabric to create the illusion that the model was bigger on top, because Miss USA is bigger on top. Nina then pointed out that one of her mandates (hitherto unmentioned to the audience) was that she wanted to look ‘less busty.’ If indeed this was mentioned before, bad on the team. However, was Miss USA said it that she wanted to not have a plunging neckline because she wanted people to see her face, not her boobs. That ain’t the same thing, Nina dear. Heidi went on to point out the length was an issue, but Malan had another excuse, saying that he was unware this model was so much larger in the torso than his previous one. Vera offered that it was a good idea to have extra in any event.


Team Pooh

Heidi then asked Katherine what she thought of the design. Not one to miss an opportunity to toss her partner under the bus, she said that she went into the assignment realizing this was Malan’s baby. Then Heidi pressed her to tell which of the two of them should go home. Of course, being predictable, Katherine immediately said, ‘Malan’ because she didn’t think she should go home for something that wasn’t her own vision. Malan was asked the same question and stepped up and said, ‘It should be me.’
Now onto the Battle Royale – Vincent and Angela. Nina, clearly having been prompted by the producers, asked if they worked well together. Vincent went first and said ‘the work [he] decided to put into [it] for the last two days [had] been astronomical.’ He also mentioned he had to tear things apart to correct Angela’s mistakes – um, when did she even touch the dress, dude?? Angela’s response to the same question was unsurprising; mentioning her college dress and that it was too simple for her. Nina asked the model to turn around and then commented on how sweet she thought the back was. Vera said the sleeves were hard to wear, while Miss USA (the most important panelist) claimed she ‘[looked] like a space cadet’. Angela then commented on how she thought it was not ‘designery’ enough and didn’t stand out at all. Miss USA interrupted and said she disagreed, claiming the dress stood out simply by being different.
Heidi posed the same question to these two, with Vincent first. Vincent then said that based on the amount of hell he went through with Angela to get the dress done that she should go home.


Wha-wha-what?!!

Angela said she was ‘shocked’ at his comments. Vincent then said ‘this was the nightmare of my life.’ Huh? Get over it, asshole.

The judges then deliberated. Interestingly, everyone seemed to be under the impression that Angela CHOSE to do nothing, when the fact of the matter was, Vincent REFUSED to let her do anything. I think she’s going home, but seriously, bad fucking call, Heidi. You’re the REAL feminazi here!

The designers then returned for the final decision. Robert was the first told he was in and then Bonnie. Heidi threw it over to Miss USA to announce the winner. And the winner was…Kayne. As if there was any doubt, from the squealing during his pitch to his squealing over sequins through his incessant squealing the rest of his god-damned life. Heidi then told him that he’d have immunity for the next challenge.

Uli was the next person in, followed by Katharine. That left Malan, Vincent and Angela. Vincent was in, too. Heidi went into her schpeil about why each of them was up. Malan because he failed in the design aspect and Angela because she failed in the teamwork aspect. Then Heidi said, “Angela…you’re in.” WOAH! Nice call, Heidi. I was really worried that Angela would be eliminated because her partner shut her out, but thankfully, it was all a reality tv and editing rouse. Malan’s shitty dress, though, needed no assistance to look horrible. I felt bad for Malan and I’d actually started to like him in this episode, but much like having sex in a horror movie, having your own teary segment about your difficult past, coupled with sappy piano music, is the death knoll for all reality TV contestants.

Of course, to complete his humiliation, they then aired a montage of him hugging everyone goodbye and overlaid an interview clip of him saying, “I was humiliated” and “I’ve had to say goodbye to people all of my life” and “I’ve never had any friends” with that same sappy music. How cruel and sadistic and fucking AWESOME, that’s all I have to say.


“Mummy?”

Until next time, true believers.

P.S. There were absolutely no additions to our catchphrase tally, sadly. Hopefully episode 3 will be more fruitful.

Keith M. “Menswear” count = 2
Tim G. “Make it work” count = 2
Tim G. “I’m concerned” count = 0

P.P.S So much for the ‘drama’ about a plagiarizing designer…next episode, perhaps?

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~ by seangstm on July 21, 2006.

One Response to “Project AssClownery 3.2”

  1. Great recap!

    I wanted Angela to go home so bad, but I knew the producers would keep her around. She generates too much drama to be sent home this early.

    The judges were too nice. I like it better when Michael Kors is there to stir up the pot with his bitchy remarks.

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