Project WTF’ery 3.6

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so its that time o’ week again, chillins’. What time say you? Project Runway time. Let’s all gather round and listen, yes?

This is the first oddity we’re treated to in episode 3.6, Michael, last week’s winner, brushing his moustache and beard. I dunno, this just struck me as terribly odd and worrying, but then again, I did survive my summer of 2000 of watching Dr. Will pluck his hairline to perfection on Big Brother, so fuck it.
The usual crap ensues after the ‘stache combin’ and Michael yammers on about how proud he is of himself and how he’s determined ‘to win another one.’ The two designers (Michael and Robert) are then shown leaving their flat, with Robert’s nasally tones screeching about how they’re the last people in that particular apartment after Bradley’s departure. Vincent then pops up talking about how ‘judging is very subjective’ and how ‘this is the riskiest thing [he’s] done to date’ but that ‘[he has] the talent and the constructionability (or is that construction [SPACE] ability…I couldn’t tell) to make really good dresses’ – obviously Vincent is on some kind of hallucinatory “medication.” He also mentions that his ‘chances to get to the finally three look good.’ Wow. How deluded can one be? We are then treated to a weird, pointless shot of the girl’s leaving their apartments.
Cut to the runway and Ms. Heidi Klum enters looking as gawd-awful as ever in some odd turquoise-black monstrosity that was spit out by the Bog of Eternal Stench in some cut scene from Labyrinth.


You remind me of the babe…what babe?

Heidi brings out the winning and losing designers models and again, we’re treated to a pointless false-tease that someone might actually stir things up like Zulema and her ‘mother fuckin’ walk off’ but as per usual, nothing changes and Bradley’s former model is sent packing. Ms. Klum then begins talking about the next challenge, telling the designers that they’ve had it pretty easy so far.
Angela blurts out, ‘No we haven’t!’
‘Oh yeah, compared to last season? You’ve had it pretty easy,’ Heidi continues, ‘So the next few challenges are going to be tough!
She goes on to tell them that they’re going to find out just how difficult the next challenge will be tomorrow morning.


“Andre…?”

Cut to 5am the next morning and Tim Gunn, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, is a-knock-knock-knockin’ on the apartment doors, waking everyone up, telling them that they have an hour to get ready. He also makes sure to make one thing clear to Vincent, “Tell Kayne and Jeffrey: No open-toed footwear.” Because Jeffrey was hoping to wear his espadrilles, I’m sure. Everyone rolls their bones out of bed and starts to get ready, each one groggier than the last. Just as they’re leaving, though, Alison says to Laura, ‘Its a good thing you’ve got your riding outfit in case its horses.’ I dunno about anyone else who watched, but the comment came off as more than a little cunty. That’s all for now.
Vans pick everyone up and they’re whisked off in the pouring rain, while Laura commented, ‘I have no idea where we’re going – the weather’s terrible [and] New Jersey’s looking as awful as it ever did.’ Nice. Outside of a large warehouse, the vans pulled up and the designers poured out them with Robert describing the scene as ‘some strange nightmare.’ If this is a ‘nightmare,’ I think dear Robert needs more than a little therapy.
Everyone is lined up outside of this big door and it slowly starts to life, revealing…what you ask? A recycling plant. This could be interesting. Kayne seemed slightly excited, but Robert, his gay mafia partner, yelled, ‘Shut UP! I don’t want to work with trash!’ I’ll spare you a well placed joke about Kayne being from the South and designing prom dresses…oh wait. Nevermind.
Tim appears, wearing an outfit that can only be described as Dump Diver Chic, and tells them that they’ll be making their designs out of recyclable materials this week. Good thing, too, coz I was slightly confused. Meh.

A spelunking we will go…

Then some dude from the Waste Management Facility talks to them about where they are while Tim as per usual, says ‘this challenge is about innovation and creativity’ – gotcha. Cut to a flurry of quick clips of everyone as they rummaged through the recycled goods, commenting as they went. Nothing really of note – Laura got some peanut bags, Uli got some silver crap and Jeffrey found a Martha Stewart magazine. Yippee. OH! And then Kayne came on talking about how he grew up White Trash and he and his sister ‘used to go dumpster diving.’ TMI, thank you kindly.
Vincent then yammered on about how he’s ‘going to make something contradictory to trash – [he’s] going to make art.’ I hate Vincent with the firey hot passion of 1000 suns and I don’t care who knows it. Alison, on the other hand, was inspired to be working in something other than fabric.
All the designers were then carted off to an art supply store to buy products to put their outfits together with (paints, glues, staples, etc.)

“Where’s Andre…?”

An ominous, echoey announcement resounded throughout the store that Tim G. was serving honey and crumpets in Aisle 3, so everyone headed there. Unfortunately, the tea party was cut short when they realized they all had to leave.
Barely sated, everyone returned to the workroom with their green boxes of recycled crap in tow. Before anyone was barely able to put them down, Tim dropped the bombshell – the designers only had until midnight to finish. Woah. Not wanting to waste any time, they immediately buckled down for some serious pressurized work.
The designers then started to reveal their plans for this challenge – Alison was going to make a voluminous skirt, while Angela stuck with what she loved and began a pathwork project. Vincent, on the other hand, let his inspiration guide him. This is actually what he said, “I let things evolve. I don’t own the future, I don’t go there, you know what I mean? I just let it come. Let it come…and that’s how I work.” UGH. So cliched.

A natural, zen-like pose
if ever I’ve seen one.

Laura, to her credit, saw right through his performance and described Vincent as ‘completely wack,’ ‘not mentally stable’ and about to ‘crack any day now.’ Heehee! What do you think?

Truth be told, I got the heads up on the clip below from The Soup on E!, but it was too hilarious to pass up: Enjoy (you must click this link)!

After that insanity, we were taken to the lunch room (a rarely seen treat – the only real memorable trip here was for Wendy Pepper‘s breakdown over the Hitler moustache drawn on her child’s photo. I don’t think we even saw the room at all in Season 2) where the Gay Mafia had gathered their heads for a family meeting.


Kayne and Robert were clearly bored of simply eating and working and so they jumped at Robert’s brainstorm of ‘trash-talking someone.’ Their target? Laura. Robert surmised that sometimes Laura looks like she wants to ‘shoot [him] in the face’ but Kayne tried to soften the blow by saying, ‘Her dress is cute.’
‘It says “For Nuts Only.” It looks like a strait-jacket, I was like – she’s sewin’ for herself again,‘ replied Robert. (Granted there was a REAL obvious edit between the two sentences, but cleverly disguising comments edited for dramatic effect is hardly one of Project Runway’s editor’s strong suits.)
Again, trying to be the better “man,” Kayne offered, ‘She kissed me on the cheek today.’
‘I know, you’re gonna get a rash. You better wash.’
I was positively drowning in the gayness – thank god that after an uber-queer exchange of two uber-contrived ‘ciaos’ we cut back to the workroom. But WAIT! The idiocy is hardly EVER over on Project Runway, as you know, so we were treated to Jeffrey’s take on Laura’s outfit. I bet I can guess what he’s gonna say! I bet he’s going to disguise his own insecurity with his wacky design aesthetic that no one really likes by calling Laura’s one of three things (or a combination of any) – either ‘boring,’ ‘safe’ or just plain unworthy of being on the programme. Need I really write down what he did say? I guess I should just so he can’t ever accuse me of slanting his thoughts.

“Laura is just boring me to tears. I can’t believe Laura is doing what she’s doing. I really pray to god the judges send her to the guillotine. Another high-waisted skirt. FUCK.”

For the record – he’s a little too interested in other people’s work, dontchathink?? How’s about we make another deconstructed pile o’ shite, huh, speaking of boring?
Anyway, anyway, anyway, back to the show. We then cut to Alison, who turned out to be perhaps the stupidest person on the planet when she attempted to SEW through glued paper, expecting it to bind, perhaps like a book? But like anyone with three braincells would know beforehand, the piece was completely obliterated as the piercing needle stabbed through the flimsy paper repeatedly. Moron.

Before we continue, I have a test:

Is this me, as a child, painting a cheap, amateurish
background for an elementary school play?

Oops! Nope! It’s Kayne’s dress!

The designers continue to blah, blah, blah about how every challenge previous to this one has been a two day challenge, whereas the recycling crap project provided them with only ONE day. The drama, I tells ya. Laura then trotted (get it) on over to Alison’s table, where the twit spoke to her about her recent freakout (which was oddly never shown). Thankfully, she’s decided to change direction completely and only work with turquoise and yellow coloured paper (and hopefully remember that sewing paper doesn’t work – I’m not really convinced, myself).
Uli then looked over at Kayne’s outfit and was only able to muster a half-hearted, ‘You’re crazy.’ You be the judge:

I personally think it looks like a Gay Dalek.

“EXTERMINATE…!”

Okay, calm down. Jeez. Kayne said he, ‘chose lime green, which was an atrocious mistake.’ Hmm…ya think?! It seemed like everyone had something to say about Kayne’s “design” – Laura said, ‘Kayne’s dress is the clear dog in the room.’ Kayne said, ‘it ended up looking like a toad exploded all over it.’
Jeffrey’s design was featured next and he said the usual arrogant prick dialogue he’s usually spouting in every episode – ‘I’m going to win’ and ‘I’ve got this in the bag.’ Translation? “Bitch, you ain’t gonna win.”
Then we, the audience, were taken on a trip not unlike travelling through the anus of a cow wearing a huge plastic glove that ends around your neckline – Vincent’s “design”:

A true representation of the inner ‘workings’ of Vincent’s brain.

Vincent’s idea was to make a simplistic dress and just add crap he picked up at the recycling facility to it. His own thoughts on his dress:

“This dress is nice. It’s hot. I look around the room – it feels good. It’s like painting a picture, yunno and I think everyone likes to do things like that. It’s using your heart.”

Riiiiight…Laura managed to weigh in on his dress, also, saying, ‘I’m not crazy about Vincent’s design – it’s just this long, strappy sort of sheath dress and he just glued garbage all over the front of it.’ For his part, Vincent said that he seriously doubted he wouldn’t go forward ‘because it’s a hot dress.’

Then Tim Gunn entered the room, surely armed with some sorely needed unintentional brevity. Let’s live in hope, shall we? Uli’s dress was first on his list and he simply said, ‘This is gorgeous.’ That’s it and he moved on to Jeffrey, who’s dress he described saying, ‘Stunning. It’s really incredibly stunning.’ Vincent followed and the first thing out of Tim’s mouth was, ‘What is this?’ Heehee! His response? ‘I don’t know.’ What a fucking moron. I’m so DONE with this douchebag source of endless WTF’ery. Tim did have more constructive things to say like, ‘I don’t like the fact that it’s only decorated on the front – it’s like a painting that’s walking’ (wasn’t that his entire point?) The Gunn then moved on to Michael, who’s design was pretty badass, IMO, but Tim was only impressed by the top, calling the bottom ‘a blank canvas’ and asking Michael to ‘make me believe.’ WHAT?! No, ‘MAKE IT WORK?’ – how DARE you, Tim Gunn!

Oh the irony…

It was Alison’s turn next and Tim just stared for a few moments. Alison attempted to break the silence by saying her model was ‘blonde’ so the outfit’s colour would be very complimentary. Tim just turned and said, ‘Don’t you have a zoftic model?’ I’m pretty sure he pronounced it that way, despite it being properly spelled as ‘zoftig,’ a Yiddish term meaning plump, from the German meaning juicy. I’m sure the term, whether pronounced properly or not rattled around the dimwit’s head a few hundred times, bouncing inside her cavernous skull.
‘What…I have Alexandra…what do you mean?’ Haha!
‘She’s a little large?’ Tim explained, to which Alison nodded knowingly.
Then Alison was shown in an interview clip saying, ‘When Tim came in to check on our work, he was a little concerned…’ FUCK IT! I’ll count that shit!

Tim G. “I’m concerned” count = 1 2

Alison went on to explain how her model was ‘larger’ than all the other girl’s there. Jeebus, these people have completely skewed senses of ‘fat’ and ‘thin’ – no wonder young girls are starving themselves. Anyway, that’s another issue entirely. Tim then said quickly, ‘I don’t know’ but continued on in another horrifically dubbed in ‘live’ comment, which clearly took place in the looping room two days after, ‘Keep in mind – it’s about the model you have. It has to look good on her.’ The Gunn then shifted to Kayne, who’s design completely baffled him. He did manage to get out, ‘I’m disappointed – it looks like a highschool craft project.’

“Oh please, just stop – just STOP touching it, dammit!”

Kayne tried to stave off the hemorrhaging of amateur-hour-ness by asking Tim what would improve it. ‘What if the circles were gone?’ he asked.
‘The circles are a HUGE problem.’ Tim pointed out. Yes, much like telling a victim of brain cancer that he can be cured if his brain is removed, I think removing the circles is a start, myself. Kayne decided to remove the entire bottom portion (thank god) but his Gay Mafia compatriat was slightly concerned…as were we all.

“Do you have to be so mean about it, Tim…?”

Back from the break and Kayne was working like a Guatamalan 5-year old to finish his dress. He decided to go with some kind of prom-like monstrosity…could it possibly be worse than the previous version? We’ll see. Alison, too, was working feverishly to make her work passable. The designer’s deadline hit and they all headed back to their respective apartments. Kayne was still worried about whether or not he’d be cut, going so far as to say, ‘I just really hate my dress.’
The next morning, everyone groggily hauled themselves out of bed, ready for the day. Kayne was raring to go, ready to fix his mistakes from yesterday, while some others, specifically Vincent, were completely delusional about their chances. They all headed to Parsons and the Gunn was awaiting them, sending in their models immediately and leaving with a curt, ‘Make it work!’ on his way out. The Gunn Strikes Again.

Tim G. “Make it work” count = 7 8

The models entered and began talking with designers. Uli asked Alison if her outfit fit her model and Alison confidently said, ‘I know it will fit.’
‘But did you try it on?’
‘Not until later.’

Is that a death knoll I just heard? As if fastforwarding in some time-travelling time-travelly machine, we cut to Angela’s model trying on her outfit, or at least attempting to. ‘There’s no way, man.’ she said. Michael, Laura and Robert were all experiencing similar difficulties since the fabric of choice – PAPER – has no give whatsoever.
The models and designers headed upstairs to decide on the looks they wanted for their outfits. Kayne wanted something kooky, while Alison simply said, ‘I want it all on top of her head.’ The hairdresser then laughed and said, ‘And we’ll give her a big bow’ as a JOKE. He even giggled a little to which Alison immediately replied, ‘Yeah!’ Oh dear LORD. Laura, who is clearly the authority this episode, said, ‘The most painful thing to watch is Alison and Kayne’s styling choices – the hair and the make-up. Alison showed up with this huge, like, Minnie Mouse, yellow bow of hair. It was frightening.’ We then cut to Kayne in some sort of waiting room, sitting with Laura on a couch, saying, ‘I think I could be in the bottom.’ Laura then asked him why he chose the colour green he did on his model’s eyes. Kayne’s simple reply – ‘Stress.’ In an odd turn, Laura then let’s loose saying, ‘I swear to god, I worry about – wonder about your choices so often, sweetheart.’ The gay meter then tipped into the red…


…and Kayne replied with, ‘Well, honey, I worry about your character and that’s worse.’ Two snaps and around the world, girlfriend!

I would like to eat my Slim Jim in peace, thank y’all.

‘I’ve been in the top 3 for the last 3 challenges, so I wouldn’t worry about my choices,’ he continued.
‘Oh yeah, that last dress was nice.’
‘Yeah it was – it was fantastic. So I’m just not gonna be degraded on camera. That’s just bullshit.’ Yikes!
Back to the other designers and Tim tells them all they have about five minutes left. Alison dressed her model but alas, as Tim predicted, there is no waistline to be found anywhere so she tried using masking tape to create the illusion of one. Vincent’s design was atrocious, but he described it as ‘a walking canvas of art. And it just got me off – I loved it. It was like a child’s drawring.’

I’m gonna guess this is Vincent’s favourite show.
Not just because it’s full of children’s chalk drawings
for him to beat off to, but because the like-minded
central character who pronounces drawing with two R’s.

Back from the break and it was time for ze runway show. Heidi entered wearing a thankfully improved outfit from the beginning of the episode. She reminded everyone of the brief – create an outfit of recyclable materials (paper, plastics and metal) in one day. The Klum took time to remind all the designers that they were looking for a lot of innovation and creativity for this challenge. Good luck, Klumster. The judges were then introducted – Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe. Not sure who the hell Rachel Zoe is but I’m sure she’s fucking scary important and influential in the word of clothes made of and/or worn by trash, so that’s why she’s there. On with the runway show:

Uli

Angela

Michael

Vincent

Robert

Jeffrey

Laura

Alison

Kayne

Then came the judgement:
With the mid-range players gone, we were left with Alison, Kayne, Laura, Jeffrey, Vincent and Michael. The models were then trotted out in preparation for the real interrogation to begin.
Michael’s was up first and he described his take on ‘innovation’ to be pretending that the materials he was using were actually fabrics, so the plastic bag was organza, etc. Rachel Zoe starts off by saying, ‘I think it’s fantastic. I think it’s simple and chic. It is very avant garde but not too much. It fits perfectly.’
‘I really love this, too,’ Nina added, while Michael said, ‘I think you truly understood the word “innovation.”‘
Vincent’s appallingly bad creation was next on the block and Heidi baited him, as usual, by insincerely saying, ‘I would love to know what kind of materials you used. What did you find?’
‘For this dress we used a plastic sac.’ Okay, stop RIGHT THERE. That’s seriously his design in a nutshell…and what was with his creepy use of the term ‘we?’
‘I think you have to look at how the clothes actually move.’ Kors said first off. ‘I think if it was a mini-dress and she could actually move and you didn’t see the crunching when she walked…’
‘When she comes out,’ Vincent cut him off, ‘and I see that, it turns me on. I’m proud of this dress.’

WTF’ERY, INDEED, KIDS.

‘Yeah, it’s a little bizarre, I think – this dress,’ Nina offered.
‘It is bizarre and that’s what I like,’ Vincent countered.
‘It looks-‘
‘It’s artsy…very artsy,’ the condescention in Vincent’s voice was barely disguised.
‘You don’t think that your model had difficulty walking down that runway?’ Nina said.
‘She did – yeah, she did.’
‘I think that that’s the trick – if it turns you on and you’re excited by the dress, hey, but the reality is: whatever your idea, it’s not functioning when she walks,’ added Michael.

“I eat pretentious fucks like you for breakfast
so BRING IT ON, ASSHOLE!”

Heidi then stepped in and said, ‘I do have to say that you were innovative and not afraid and I do appreciate that.’
Phew – now that the tension has subsided, The Klum turned to Laura. ‘I love this dress,’ Rachel said, ‘and I think your tailoring is amazing.’
‘[All] the pieces that I’ve seen from you are very elegant. You almost kind of know when it comes down the runway that it’s a Laura outfit,’ Heidi commented. Michael Kors loved the ‘impecableness of everything’ Laura did to that point.
The Toad Explosion was next with Kayne immediately starting into the mistakes that he made and coming up with Dumpster Dive Chic as a design idea – don’t pinch my shit, dawg! Nina could hardly contain her outrage and nearly yelled, ‘This is really – talk about looking like a costume, this really looks like a costume – a bad costume on top of it.’ Rachel managed to find something positive, pointing out the intricacy of the design – niggah, please – but pointed out that “stopping” should have been somewhere on Kayne’s checklist of activities.
‘I think you stepped over the boundary of taste,’ Michael added ominously.
Jeffrey’s design (which I’ll admit looks pretty damn good) was the next subject. Nine went first and said, ‘I love the shape – the fact that you were, yes, innovative and it still looks wearable and beautiful – it’s a great job.’
Rachel continued, ‘It’s different and it looks like fabric.’
‘It’s the only dress here,’ Michael added, ‘that actually moved when it walked down the runway. I think the sillhouette is great and it’s kind of like ugly/beautiful which I think is very ‘your’ aesthetic.’
Finally, we arrived at Alison’s dress. Tsk, tsk, tsk. ‘To me she looks huge,’ started Heidi, ‘I don’t think it’s very flattering for her body and she looks kind of like Minnie Mouse, in a way, with that funny hair on her head.’


Still not finished, Heidi went on to say, ‘She looks like a plus model in this. It is not flattering at all.’
‘If this is your model you have to sort of think, what’s going to be flattering on her,’ Rachel explained.
Michael even heaped on, ‘It’s really unflattering. I find that really surprising from a female designer that you would do that to a beautiful young girl who’s got a great figure.’
But wait! Heidi AGAIN wasn’t finished, ‘Can we see it from the back?’ As the model turned, she went on to say, ‘It seems so stuck together.’
‘It looks like a dinner napkin,’ Michael kept going, ‘just crumpled up. She’s like a paper brioche.’
Thank god that’s over – the designers then left the runway for the deliberation.

Alison, Vincent, Laura, Michael, Jeffrey and Kayne were brought back out. Laura’s name was called first, followed by a brief ‘You’re in’ and she disappeared behind the program logo. ‘And now for the winner,’ Heidi went on, ‘Congratulations…Michael.’ (YES!!!) With that, Michael disappeared. Jeffrey’s name was quickly called and he, too, left behind the logo, but not before some icy glares in response to Michael’s win. Of course, once backstage, Jeffrey has some arrogant and idiotic dialogue (as per usual).
‘What a day I’m having – Michael wins for clothes that are the equivalent of diabetic food – there’s no flavour.’ That’s right, Jeffrey, coz diabetics are allergic to FLAVOUR. You arrogant, ignorant prick.

That left Vincent, Alison and Kayne, who was called first. ‘You’re in, but just barely,’ Heidi warned him. My call for the eliminee was far and away Vincent, who’s pretentious, contrived and talentless drivel has lost all novelty and comedic value to me. The judges, however, were clearly smoking something good because Alison was sent packing.
I was disappointed but not surprised – prolly the same thing Alison was feeling at the time. Vincent, though, was the one who should have gone home. Apparently Laura felt the same way (or at the very least didn’t appreciate some of his comments on the runway, to say nothing of her contempt for his design) because after Alison returned back for the ‘weep & wave’ moment in the episode, a can of whoop-ass was opened on Vincent. I won’t ever bother transcribing it – just watch…

A sign of drama to come? Perhaps…only time will tell.

Also, was he intimating that diamonds might not be the only things going up Laura’s nose? Who knows. She certainly had a hair across her ass about something in this episode, never missing an opportunity to cut up someone else’s work. Having said that, the bitch can talk trash until she’s blue in the face – I love her. She can design the pants of every one of them, save Michael and perhaps Jeffrey if he could lose the rockstar angle.

Anyhoo – that’s it for now, true believers! I’ll try to be quicker next week!

Tim G. “Make it work” count = 8
Tim G. “I’m concerned” count = 2

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~ by seangstm on August 22, 2006.

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