Project Shark Jumpery 3.14

Booyah! Project Runway Season 3 mercifully came to an end last night and the promised drama did not disappoint. Everything else, however…well, nevermind. On with my thankfully last recap of this horrible season.

“It can be very difficult to prove something like this.” – Tim Gunn

Episode 14 opened with 1.5 days until the runway show. The drama from the ‘cliffhanger’ of episode 13 was still in full swing with Jeffrey dramatically walking out onto the balcony and the other designers discussing the situation. Suddenly Uli seemed to have changed her tune, but Laura reminded her that it’s like an athelete on steroids. While I agree with this assessment, I do think that it’s clear he HASN’T been on steroids thus far, so is it really a fair comparison?
Laura and Jeffrey had a mini confrontation with Jeff telling her his real problem was her questioning his integrity – seems to contradict his “You dumb bitch, I don’t care what you think” reaction we were shown at the end of the last episode. Then Jeffrey received a call from The Gunn asking him to call the pleating company and get missing receipts from them. Jeffrey became worried he wouldn’t be able to get the receipt. HUH!? Ugh. Oh how I loathe this tatooed monkey-fuck.

With 1 day until the runway show, the designers returned to the workroom. Immediately upon arrival, Jeffrey stepped out on the ‘drama balcony’ and called The Gunn, asking for an audience. After leaving his voicemail, Jeff began making a skirt in case his receipt for his ‘bubble shorts’ didn’t show up in time.
A while later, the Gunn himself showed up and gathered everyone around, as per his normal routine. Without wasting any time, he announced that after a thorough investigation, The Gunn was confident that Jeffrey did his work himself. This, of course, led to the faggoty crying display we were subjected to in the trailer for Episode 14. Yawn. As if we didn’t know this would happen. Both Laura and Michael sat looking rather pole-faced, but the “Awww…FUCK!” was just boiling beneath the surface. Had I not been watching this episode while ‘working,’ I would have verbalized it for them.

“We are NOT AMUSED.”

Oh, but it gets better! The Gunn, looking more stern and pinched than usual, announced that Jeffrey didn’t have a receipt for his bubble shorts’ pleating so they’d need to be excised from his collection. He went on to say that everyone was within their $8000 budget, save for Jeffrey who was over by $200.95. Much like Changing Rooms, this flagrant abuse of the rules was shrugged off with a Carol Smiley smile and a pat on the ass. FUCK RIGHT OFF. Jeff would have to remove ‘something’ from his collection (we’re only ASSuming it’s something worth $200.95, but that’s never made clear…The Gunn just says SOMETHING has to go). Conveniently for Jeff, he had outfits to spare. ARGH!
Of course, once cleared, Jeffrey’s asshole meter went into the deep, menstrual red as he claimed Laura’s insecurity and inexperience led to the accusation. He’s right…her inexperience coupled with the fact that only 5 year old Gautamalans can sew that well in that amount of time.
With only an hour left in their final day before Bryant Park, The Gunn made a SECOND (that’s right, kids) appearance and gathered everyone around like squirrels attending to a large nut.

Emoting Gunn

The Gunn began to get emotional (see: raised an eyebrow) about how proud he was of everyone and that all the designers were winners. A group hug ensued, but I wasn’t sure of the outcome as I viewed it from over the rim of a barf bag firmly planted against my face.

“Ocifer…hic…you can’t take my vroom-vroom away!
I’m showing…on…uh…Brian’s Fark tomorrow…hic.”

The day of the runway show arrived and the designers were all up just after 4am. They headed to the tents and were awed by the situation. After a short interlude, they headed backstage and began prepping their collections for showing.

“What mothah fuckah put this fat
honky bitch in my group?!”

As the Klum made her entrance on the runway, we knew it was time for the show to begin. The judges were introduced first – The Kors, The Garcia and their special guest judge Fern Mallis, who is apparently the creator of Olympus Fashion week.

Elisabeth Hasselback and a recently lipo’d
Rosie O’Donnell dispell the rumours of
their fued by sitting next to each other
(Seriously, that’s Dan Vosevic from Season 2…yay!)

Jeffrey was up first and took his collection intro time to introduce his loathesome clan of sycophants: his mohawked wench, his wailing devil spawn and the woman who belched him onto to the earth in a pool of afterbirth, heroin residue and Heineken bubbles. Oh…and his father who looked like the term ‘pussy-whipped’ was tatooed onto his ass by God himself upon creation.

In no particular order…

Up next was Uli, who had a nice heartfelt speech about coming to the States and her dream of showing at Fashion week. She thanked her parents and scurried backstage as her presentation began…

Laura’s was third:

And lastly, we have Michael.

Back in the runway room, the judges commented on the show. The designers were then brought in and reminded of the prizes at stake. As per every other episode, the models were then trucked out. The judges then turned their attention to the particular collections, beginning with Laura. All the judges agreed that Laura’s collection looked more like it cost $30,000 compared to the real figure of $8000. The Kors was most impressed with her beading but was disappointed the collection wasn’t more surprising. The Garcia twisted the knife and called attention to the fact that this ‘sameness’ was their only complaint about Laura’s designs going into Fashion Week. The Fern disagreed with The Garcia and said the focus made the collection more wearable.
Michael was then targeted with The Fern cutting to the chase, saying she wished the big reaction his entrance got would have matched up with the quality of the collection (I seriously have to agree – his collection was a whole load of WT-fucking-F’ery!). Turning up the volume too high was the problem The Kors had with the collection while The Garcia pointed out that Michael did at least show a range.
Jeffrey then went into his over-used rap about ghost stories and demons….yawn. The Fern was impressed, saying he had a lot of ideas. The Kors was also impressed by Jeffrey’s ability to show his ‘woman’ at every stage of her life. The Klum then hit her gavel aggresively and said that part of the challenge was to follow the budget…which Jeffrey didn’t do. He did however, remove the wigs which put him $400 under…those be some damn expensive wigs, y’all.
Uli was the last one to be tortured and The Garcia started immediately complimenting her on the wearability of the entire collection. The Klum agreed. The connective thread was The Kors’ problem with the collection. He described it as ‘disjointed’ and storyless.
With that, the designers were sent off while the judges deliberated. Afterwards, the designers were brought back in and heard the usual bullshit about how hard their decision was. The first person eliminated was Michael. The Klum told him he needed “time to mature.” I would tend to agree with that.

“Guess I ain’t BLACK enough fo’ you, huh, BITCH?!”

The next person to go was Laura whose collection The Klum described as “exquisitely crafted” but at the same time “too limited.” Bummer. đŸ˜¦

At this point I realized that itchy feeling from behind
was the Project Runway producers ramming
their cocks up my ass for the final time this season.

That left Uli, Jeffrey and a sneaking suspicion that the ultimate F.U. to yours truly was about to occur. The suspicion didn’t last long as The Klum reached through my TV and punched me in the groin, announcing Jeffrey Sebelia as the winner. Uli was a good sport about it and said that “things happen for a reason.” If the reason is THE APOCALYPSE, then I would tend to agree.

Jeffrey prepares to swallow and destroy everything that is holy for one final time…

If only this were a shooting gallery wall…



~ by seangstm on October 19, 2006.

2 Responses to “Project Shark Jumpery 3.14”

  1. Deep down we all knew this guy was going to win. I never really understood why since all his clothes look like they’ve been through the shredder. This season had a lesson: make post middle age straight white women cry… win Project Runway. Nice.

  2. see More than 50,000 Smiley for free download

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