"I say this with love; we’re very close. She’s a pig."

From “What Becomes a Semi-Legend Most” (1983)

Except some women can get older and have sex appeal…Elizabeth Taylor. [crowd hoots] Do they love her…don’t you find her sexy? Well, I think she’s fat.

[sporadic boos and silence]

Oh look how quiet the room got. You don’t think she’s fat – I think she’s fat. And I say this with love; we’re very close. She’s a pig.

I think she’s fat. Oh grow up, her thighs are going condo. Oh yes!

She wears stretch kaftans. This woman is fat.

[“How fat IS she?”]

How fat is she? She has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

This woman can moon Europe!

This woman is FAT – mosquitos see her and scream, “BUFFET!”

Her bumper sticker says: “My Other Car is a Refrigerator!”

She puts mayonnaise on an aspirin!

I think she’s fat – she drinks Pepsi Heavy.

I said to her, “What do you want on your hamburger?” She said, “A hot dog.”

I take her around a lot. I took her to MacDonalds just to watch her eat and watch the numbers change.

She’s the only woman I know who can stand in front of a microwave oven and go, “HURRY!”

Ah, Joan…how I love thee. And yes, I do remember a time when Elizabeth Taylor was sexy…many, many years ago now. And also, to answer your question – yes, I love kicking someone when they’re down. It’s not really mean unless you get caught.

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~ by seangstm on September 26, 2007.

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