Tips for Retards™ – Tip #46

Yesterday upon leaving work, I walked to Queen Street to grab the streetcar.  When I arrived at Queen, a streetcar had just passed and another didn’t appear to be arriving soon, or even appearing on the horizon.  I decided instead to take the subway because I wasn’t really feeling a 15 minute wait for the next streetcar only to find it was servicing the wrong half of the newly split Queen street corridor (great idea, TTC!).

I trudged down into the dank subway station and waited patiently behind a very kerflumfered woman who was scrambling to get the change the TTC attendant had given to her after a ticket* purchase.  I waited patiently — I wasn’t in any particular hurry.  As this woman finally gets herself together and moves through the turnstile, I plunk my change into the coin box.  As I do this, I feel an elbow slam very forcefully into my right arm.  Strange.

I turn to see a diminutive, little, goober of a woman shuffling her way through the token/Metropass turnstile (adjacent to the one I’m in).  I also see that she doesn’t properly apologize to me, or at the very least acknowledge her asshattery with a curt “Excuse me” that has no gravitas or feeling behind it, but that, at the very least, appeases the murderous rage-thunder that is gurgling its way up my throat.

Since walking takes up at least 79% of her walnut-sized brain-power, she moves at a lethargic pace.  I decide that I have two options – return her gesture with an ulna-shattering karate chop to her chubby forearm, or politely point out the error of her ways.  I’m trying to project positive energy in all things, so I decide the best course of action is to humiliate her (at least internally) by highlighting her troglodytic behaviour.

I push through the turnstile and manage to catch up to her as she is starting her way down the stairs.  I pass her on the left, turn around and say, “You know, most people say ‘Excuse me’ when they aggressively bump into someone.”  Her face goes white and a split-second of “What-are-you-talking-about?” flashes across it before she finally settles into abject ignominy.

Mission accomplished.

Tips for Retards™ – Tip #46

Do not attempt to get away with absurdly rude behaviour.  I will call you on that shit.  Period.

*Since they now refuse to sell tokens to avoid ‘hoarding’ (see: trying to stave off the inevitable rape by the money-grubbing corporate entity that is the Toronto Transit Commision)

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~ by seangstm on November 25, 2009.

2 Responses to “Tips for Retards™ – Tip #46”

  1. Her face goes white and a split-second of “What-are-you-talking-about?” flashes across it before she finally settles into abject ignominy.

    Mission accomplished.</i?

    You're lucky. Very, VERY lucky! If that had been my MIL, you'd have gotten a cocked head, a sheepish grin, a slight shoulder shrug, and MAYBE–just maybe–an "oopsie!".

    BTW, you're a good writer. I appreciate good diction.

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