CYRANO JONES and the KINGDOM of the FILM PEDDLING HACKS

So on Saturday evening, J and I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

The short review:

A really, really fun film that was never once boring, but was so unbelievable, badly written and horribly acted (by a couple key players) that it failed to impress me.

A more detailed review (SPOILERS A-HOY-HOY – you’ve been warned):

Harrison Ford – amazing, as ever. Still looks incredible at 65.

Shia Lebeauf – as I stated in my Haiku Movie Review, after Ford, he’s the best thing in the movie. And that’s fucking SCARY, I’m sorry.

Cate Blancett – I liked her as Irina Spalko; J did not. I found her performance incredibly humorous, though…assuming that she was winking and mugging for the camera with her exaggerated accent and over-the-top performance.

That guy who played Mac – ANNOYING AS FUCK.

Karen Allen – what a fucking waste. Her performance in Raiders is Oscar-worthy, IMHO. In this movie, her performance is pathetically amateurish – laughably, achingly bad. It saddened me that she was so wasted. I was completely surprised. Could be the writing, but frankly, I think she’s just bad…and Raiders was a flash-in-the-pan of brilliance.

Jim Broadbent – passable, run-of-the-mill performance, but then again, that’s how it was written.

The story itself was so completely and utterly RETARDED, that it defies description. Now, let me start off by saying that I was TOTALLY looking forward to the alien angle. I thought – yeah, they pretty much HAVE to do this to up the ante from the first three films. And I was with it through the movie. Despite the bad dialogue, the horrible writing, I thought the skull itself was a cool object to look for. HOWEVER, the way they looked for it was COMPLETELY lame. The big ‘ending’ (which I was looking forward to) was so badly mishandled that I was tempted to walk out of the theatre with only moments left in the movie.

The truck chase in South America started REALLY cool and then degenerated into Episode 1-level antics: Shia having a fencing match while precariously teetering between two movie vehicles, jumping from truck to truck to car to truck to car to truck to truck to car to truck to…FUCK THE HELL OFF! And the monkeys. FUCKING SHIT the monkeys were lame.

There were, however, some COOL things in the movie. I thought the motorbike chase through the university was fun and dripping with the same adventurous spirit that the first three films had. I thought Ford was great and it was sweet to see him cracking that whip again. The killer ants were BAD ASS. The skull’s power was very cool, too. I also really enjoyed the opening in Area 51…J did not. lol

The real primary issue I had with the film, though, was the complete lack of any tension or real sense of danger. They take a truck down three insane waterfalls and first off, no one falls OUT of the car until the last fall and even then, they all casually swim to shore with Karen Allen still stupidly holding onto the detached steering wheel and shaking “nervously” – RETARDED. Everyone has to run for their “lives” down a El Dorado death trap involving receding stairs and I never once thought anyone of them would even lose bladder control. SAD.

The first three Indiana Jones films took very hackneyed, archetypal situations from various Republic Serials and gave them cool, even more dangerous twists. The best example I can think of was the spike room in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Indy and Short Round stumble upon a chamber and accidentally activate it, raising spikes from the floor and ceiling (a ceiling that is now lowering on them rapidly, mind you) – an typical, rather unoriginal situation for an ‘adventurer’ to be in. However, they make it tense by giving Willie Scott (the spoiled brat/screeching harpy that accompanies Jones in the film) the task of saving the day; saving the day by trapsing through a hallway containing two long-dead, rotted corpses and about a squillion bugs, many of which are clamoring to get caught up in her blonde tresses. To stop the chamber from killing Jones and Shorty, she has to walk through the bugs and then stick her finely manicured hand into a slime-covered, bug-infested hole to find the fulcrum release lever that will reverse the trap. The scene works because Willie earlier described herself as ‘hat[ing] being outside!” – that and her complete diva-esque persona. You know Indy and a kid AREN’T going to be killed – he’s the hero after all, but the possibility is made more ambiguous by this unstable element.

Now, take a similar scene in Indy 4 – Marion and Indiana Jones become trapped in quicksand and are saved when Mutt (Shia Lebeauf) throws a snake in to pull them out. Marion, of course, escapes just fine – but obviously Indiana has issue because of his fear of snakes. But seriously, that’s the WHOLE god damned scene. Oops! We’re trapped in quicksand. Full stop.

Having said ALL that, the movie was undeniably fun, but I expected a little more excitement and tension.

Disappointing.

~ by seangstm on May 27, 2008.